Hostage Situation (so *this* is happening)

Background: I was given a bag of Doritos for my birthday from the other volunteers, which is a prize possession around here, 1) because I love Doritos and 2) because they are very difficult to source in Rwanda.  I hadn't eaten the Doritos only because I have been sick (stomach virus and a sinus infection, more on that in a separate post...) and I wanted to be able to taste the Doritos.  I was really looking forward to them.  Then on Friday, the bag went missing.  I went ballistic and immediately began a thorough and noisy search of the village to no avail.  Then late on Sunday night I received the following email:

Dearest Courtney,

I think I have found your Doritos. Ever since you told me about their disappearance I have been searching the internet far and wide for any clues. I found this image on a Boko Haram website. It appears your chips have been taken to northern Nigeria where they are being held hostage by the rebel group. 

Kome has reached out to some of his friends in Nigeria to help with the negotiations. They told us that if you want to see your chips again you must either send 1 million USD (for some strange reason they have specified that they only receive payment in nickles) or publicly perform any song by Brittany Spears and send a video clip for proof. 


Let us know what you want to do and we will facilitate the transaction through Kome's contacts in Lagos.


We know these are stressful times and want you to know we are here to help any way possible.

Sincerely,
Miki & Kome 

My response:
On Mon, Jun 17, 2013 at 7:33 AM, Courtney Kelly <courtneymkelly@yahoo.com> wrote:

This very serious communiqué has been received and is being analyzed for clues back at Langley. Please await a detailed response.

  

And a few hours later:

Hi Courtney,

                    Now you must understand the seriousness of the situation at hand. You must know that time is of the essence here. in Warfare, hostage taking is common and they more often than not are silenced after a few days if they are not high priority.

My contacts have asked me to inform you that getting Langley involved is of no use.  You cannot win this one, you are on African soil and there is precious little they can do. But if you insist and get them involved, then Miki and I would withdraw our services and from that point on you take responsibility for whatever happens.

regards,

Kome & Miki


I really can't tell you what will happen next, but I do know this situation is likely to escalate.  In the hopes of a peaceful resolution, I am asking youo to tie Dorito colored ribbons around trees in your front yard.  (Those of you who live in apartments should buy houses and move to facilitate this request.) Barb, fire up the prayer vigil. Thank you and please stay tuned for more instructions.