Thursday, July 23, 2015

Stay just as far from me, as me from you

I found out that Josh was gone today. For a while he was my partner in crime and there was no one I looked up to more.

He took me to my first Les Savy Fav concert. And my first Interpol show. And we've closed a lot of bars together. He was funny, and smart, and I loved him. He left NY and I said I'd never forgive him. 

But I did, and I tried for a while to stay friends. Calling. Sending emails. Sending fake postcards. But he slipped away. (Years ago.) I thought he had just moved on, and I grieved, but now I wonder if there was something more to the loss of our connection. Maybe connecting was hard. Maybe he was busy fighting his own demons. I'm listing to playlists he made me in 2005 tonight on a loop.

The first thing that comes to mind when I think about Josh was his love for Mission of Burma. I'll never hear that song Academy Fight Song without thinking of him. I went to see a MoB show with him, and made fun of the age of the band, renaming them SMT (Sweaty Man Titties). He laughed. And then he got mad. I'd insulted his idol. He was right. There's no space in this life to take down our idols. It's hard enough with them intact.